The reason
by AmandaFaye
Summary: How is it those annoying people keep getting loose from the Bog?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer- I don't own anything. If you are under the delusion I do, then you are likely one of the people discussed below.

A Labyrinth fan with an eye to efficiency will quickly grasp the concept that simply wishing that the goblins would take away the ubiquitous, annoying person or persons in their life does not suffice. For one thing, it is generally agreed by the majority of fan fiction writers that there is an age past which one can not be transformed into a goblin, therefore, what would his majesty do with said annoyance?

Therefore, we turn to plan B, which stands for Bog. Yes, simply wish them away to the Bog of Eternal Stench. They will be out of the way and not enjoying any of the good things that might be accrued from being whisked away on a wish to a fantasy land.

However, despite wishing away the aforementioned irritants, they seem to continually turn up in life.

There must be a reason.

An examination of his majesty's email reveals the horrible truth.

Yes, I meant to say horrible- dwarves with attitude are not a factor in this discussion.

To: Intolerable conditions

Your Majesty, Greetings and felicitations,

I Sir Didymus salute you and once more offer my sincere congratulations on your most recent marriage to Queen Sarah. I am most grieved to bring this matter to your attention, but I find I have no choice in the issue. My loyal steed, Ambrosius has threatened mutiny if I do not take a stand. I, do in fact agree with him, actually.

As per the duties of your office which Sire has most effectively and sagely administered for long years, you sent ... (insert the name of the most irritating person you know) to my demense, the Bog of Eternal Stench. May I take this opportunity to thank you once more for enchanting my superior nose so that I do not smell the Stench? Thank you. Yet, my other senses are in no wise impaired, therefore, I am now subject to the continual, unceasing, torment of X's voice. A dragon, a flood, a giant, I could have taken, but sire, you sent me X- dear heavens, that is most unfair. Now, I am here in this foul, fetid, foggy, Bog of Eternal Stench with their constant bickering, prattling, yammering. Deafness would not serve you well, sire. Do something, I beg you.

Respectfully,

Sir D

To Intolerable conditions

I have struck them mute, happy?

To: No

Sire, whilst stricking them mute, note I do not say dumb, they already were, is some help, there arises a new, more insidious problem. They have found my computer, and are subjecting me to continual, constant emails of the most perfidious nature. It is far worse than their speaking. Help.. Ambrosious has already begun packing, and I will be force to join him if nothing is done. Please, remove them.

Sir Didymus, respectfully and beseechingly.

To Re No

I have returned aforementioned annoying persons to their world. Sarah sends her love. Be advised, since X hacked your email account for addresses, the castle email is changing, advise you to do the same. We will contact you with the new email.


	2. They're baack

I own nothing save my temper.

When the idiots returned to the normal world, the sane, intelligent folk found them doubly trying. Therefore, the twits were rewished away.

What happened next?

Let Hoggle explain.

"Yer Majesty, I doesn't want to let those latest nitwits know there's a pc thing a bob here. Being around one makes'm worse. So, I'm sending you this note through the worm. I found 'm wandering around making heck for all the rest of us here abouts, but though I could deal with them. No luck. So, I got Ludo. I figured if he could call the rocks and drop them on their head...maybe they'd be silent like. Well, he did. Sorry, sire. All yer nice rocks is smashed and Ludo's right upset about losing 'is friends. He dropped them right on their heads, but they shattered, the rocks I mean, not the heads. Sorry about ruining them, sire.

HogGLE."

"Dear Hogbrain,

It is not your fault or Ludos. Said idiots will again be returned to the "real world." Perhaps the nicer people should just wish themselves here. I will look into the matter." J

"Dear Your Highness Sarah,

Thanks for making Jareth nicer. " H


	3. Seeking outside help

I still own nothing. With permission, a concept referred to in Complainers shall be banished by LindenCovenat is alluded to.

After reading one more smoking email, the goblin king began to pace around the throne room, kicking one of his subjects from time to time in hopes of relieving his frustration. The "you've got messages" bell dinged. Stalking over to the pc, he read a harsh critique of his method of dealing with stress, kicking the goblins. No sooner had he read that than a second memo suggested ways he should kick them instead.

Enough was enough, or even too much. The trolls had already had Didymus on the verge of going on strike and smashed all of Ludo's rocks on their pitiful heads. It was time to call in stronger forces.

Using his magic, Jareth summoned four black clad figures- Spike, Angel, LaCroix, and Caleb Morley, or whatever he named himself these days.

"Where is Nicholas?" Jareth frowned.

"Ah- well despite the fangirls who think I'd never kill my own son, I did," La Croix sniffed. "He was whiny and irritating."

"Good job, mate," Spike cheered.

"Fine." Jareth thought one vampire was really all that was needed anyway. "I have a troll infestation- and I want you all to bite and drain them. Kill them all, in other words."

"Would these be the internet trolls who tend to make themselves into a total pain, mouthing off, having an I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong attitude - who seem to think the world exists to be conformed to their pleasure and think that those who fail to do so are evil, sinful and not worth killing?" Caleb asked.

"Indeed," Jareth agreed.

"Forget it- biting is a very - intimate act for me- and I have no desire to be anywhere near those- creatures," Caleb snarled before vanishing.

"While that is not such an issue for me," LaCroix slowly intoned, "it does involve the act of getting inside their mind and knowing all they know, being all they are for a moment of time. No. That perniciousness is not something I have the desire to experience." He, too, vanished.

"You know, maybe if you tried to understand the trolls, have some compassion. They are troubled and need help," Angel suggested.

"Compassion? Have you ever- here - read this," Jareth tossed the print outs of email flames to Angel.

A second later, Angel ignited, going up in a mini- inferno.

Spike grinned. "Good show- been wanting to do that for two hundred years. Thereabouts anyhow. I really owe you for that one."

"Then, you will help me?" Jareth asked hopefully. "These trolls have smashed all my rocks and alienated all the - I can't call them help- but servants."

"Uh - no. Now if you wanted to beat someone to death, yeah, all for that. But come on- indigestion is not pretty in a vampire. If you ever want to just kill something - call me. But bite them, no. Not your boy. Not me. "

Back to the drawing board.

Jareth tossed a crystal. He needed someone wise who knew what to do with annoying people.

When Methos appeared, it was clear that he was annoyed, so perhaps he had recently dealt with one?

"Excuse me? What is going on here?" the world's oldest man demanded.

"I have a troll infestation. I tried sending said trolls to the Bog of Eternal Stench. The guard threatened to go one strike or report me to PETA. So, I sent them back home. They got sent back. I thought I'd just let them run loose in the Labyrinth, ignore them and see if they'd go away. According to Higglypiggly, they aggravated Ludo to the point that he threw rocks at them. Their hard heads broke all the rocks- the rocks are his friends. So now I have a depressed monster. His howling is truly getting on everyone's nerves. Be that as it may, I have to deal with the troll problem. Every time I send them home, they come back."

"Like relatives," Methos nodded.

"Quite. I tried to get the vampires to bite them. Two got offended and left. One tried to get me to understand the trolls and I flamed him. The fourth was grateful, but didn't want to risk poisoning via troll blood. "

"And you want me to do what?"

"As I understand it, you are in the head removal business?"

"Only of immortals," Methos qualified. "And then, only if I can't get out of it."

"Well, you must admit, pests seem rather eternal."

Methos considered. "True, but there is the second clause."

"Do you want to be the prince of the land of stench?"

"Is there beer there?"

"No."

"Okay, but I warn you- it will not eliminate the problem. It could make it worse. If I take the trolls' heads, I will take in all that they are, every annoying personality trait, combined with my own knowledge- five thousand years' experience. It could be worse, in the end."

The word Jareth said as he returned Methos to his own home was not fit to be printed.


End file.
